flat on my face.

So, it's a no-go on the bank. They picked someone else, but the lady said that I did awesome and that there was nothing I did wrong. And she asked me if she could keep my stuff on file so she could call me if something opens up. So hopefully when we've got the Jeep all fixed up and sold and Jake and I each have a car, they'll call and I'll be ecstatic and more prepared and we won't have to worry about the one car thing. Which is really a damper. But it's whatever. So right now, I'm not really looking for a job, I guess. Which makes me feel like a complete loser and failure. But I guess there's a good reason why I don't necessarily need to get one right this second. Maybe I'll try to make some stuff and sell it? I don't know. I've made plenty of bracelets and I think I've sold about two. Maybe I'll try necklaces. I'd love to draw/paint something and sell it, but I feel like no one would want it. Who knows. I'm just feeling really lost right now. And I feel like since Jake is doing all of the working for now I have to make sure that I don't cause fights and that I have to make sure everything is perfect. And I don't want to mess anything up. I don't know why I'm feeling all of this, but I am. And we've been doing some major cleaning, moving, and fixing up of the house, and it's starting to come along great.
I'm just sort of really confused and lost right now. I would love to have a job and feel like less of a loser, but I guess that's not in the cards right now.

Who knows. I'm just feeling really weird and I don't really know what to say or what to do or what to think. I feel like I've fallen flat on my face.

interview for growing up.

Well I had my interview today. And thankfully I wasn't nervous. Which is strange, but whatever. Mama Bear and I talked about some of the questions they'd probably ask and I went over the answers I'd give. And sure enough they asked the same questions, so I was prepared.

I don't know if I got the job. I won't know 'till the end of the week, probably. They said they'd contact me. So, we'll see. I hope I got it. It would be so totally awesome to work at the bank. I've kind have always wanted to work at a bank. Not entirely sure why, but I just have.

So, if I get it, I'm a big kid now. All grown up. It scares the hell out of me, but I want this. I want that job, I want to move up to higher positions, I want to get a car, I want to move out, I want to get married, I want to start a family, I want to move to Wyoming. I want all of these things. And they are all waiting on the word from the ladies at the bank. I hope it's a good word. I hope it's a "We'd love to higher you and take you on our team."

It would be really awesome to be there. I really hope and am crossing my fingers that I get this job. I will be so happy and excited.

growing up.

I've just said goodbye to Jake. He left for work seven minutes ago. I have this strange feeling inside of me. I'm not sure if it's good or bad. I think it's a sense of us growing up and becoming real life adults. He's finally got a job, sure it's not something we want him at forever, but it's great for right now. And I've got an interview at the bank, some place that I'd like to stay for awhile. Until we decide to move to Wyoming.

I cannot wait to see how my interview will go. I really do hope I get it. And if I do, I've got two weeks of training, which Mama Bear says should be paid; and if it was that would be awesome! I hope we can sell the Jeep soon so Jake and I can buy two cars. Then the ride thing won't make me so anxious. Sharing one car for four people is a little difficult. And if I start working, it'll be a lot more hard. Although, I will have a set schedule, Jake's changes. Things like this make me uneasy.

I'm growing up. And it's the scariest feeling. I have a dog and a cat and a hamster and some fish. Granted I don't have to take care of the dog right now, but we've got to take care of the other pets. And now we'll be working, paying for gas, car insurance, eventually phones, and rent. It will be scary and overwhelming at first. But I know we'll make it. I know we'll be able to handle it. I know we'll be okay.

And I'm still going wedding crazy. I keep looking wedding related things up, I keep thinking about sending save the dates, invitations, looking up wedding favors, thinking about center pieces, the cake, my dress, where we'll get married, who will marry us, the guest list, etc. Everything that comes with the wedding is running through my mind. I don't know when we'll get married, but I do know we'll be married in a few years and I do know it will be the best day of my life. I'm sure we won't have a honeymoon and that's completely fine with me. We could go to a bed and breakfast for a weekend, something along those lines. Something that won't be crazy expensive.

I cannot wait to make everything for our wedding. I cannot wait to have Jake help with making some of the things. I cannot wait!

I really want that bank job. We can start saving for our wedding, now. Sure it's sort of crazy, but we'll have money and we'll be able to get married and move out and start a family in a few years after that. I'm so glad and unbelievably lucky to have found Jake. And I'm so glad and lucky we are in love and will get married, to each other.

looking up.

Things seem to be totally looking up. Jake finally has a job. I have an interview next week. I'm completely pleased with how this week is going. Sure some things here aren't going to be that awesome for a little while, but we'll make it.

I've been wedding planning crazy. I haven't made set plans, but I asked some girl yesterday if she'd mind making bridesmaid's dresses and she said yes! And I asked Sarah today if she'd do hair and makeup for the bridal party and she said she'd do it as long as it's not crazy stuff. Which I totally understand. So I guess, I pretty much have a few things checked off my list, that's not a real list. Oh well.

I've just been so happy and crazy excited for this. And I know I won't be getting married for another few years, but still, I'm so happy and excited. And I made a not-so-official guest list, but I've got an idea, and it's about 60 people coming. Which isn't bad. Depending where we have the wedding and the reception we can have fifteen tables of four or ten of six. And I'm leaning towards the ten table deal. But who the hell knows.

I'm totally crazy.

wedding.

Is it a little odd that I somewhat already have my wedding planned out and I don't even have a job? Or for that matter I haven't moved out of home? I don't have everything planned out to the t, but I have a good majority of things planned.

I know girls have their wedding planned at the age of ten, but for me, I never really thought of that. I wasn't into planning my wedding then. But when I met Jake, all I could think about was spending the rest of my life with him. I met him sophomore year, when I was fifteen, and I already knew he was going to be someone very important in my life. Someone I could not live without. Sure I hadn't known him at all and sure I found him extremely annoying when I first did meet him. But there was something there. There was something that stirred inside me and woke all of my organs, pumped my blood faster, made my heart beat at warp speed. Something of that sort.

Call me completely crazy, but I found who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with at the age of fifteen. And I am totally and utterly content with him. I know it's totally weird and yeah there are billions of people on the earth and I only ever had one other "serious" relationship, but I don't want or need to date anyone else. I don't need to meet the other fish in the pool. I found my fish. And he's awesome.

He was my first for everything. Odd to think that these days. How many people my age can you find that are with someone that they shared their first everything with? Slim to none. I love it. I love the fact that the person I will marry is the only person I shared anything with.

I must sound totally crazy, but whatever. I'd do anything for him. Anything. In all honesty if for some strange reason we broke up, I wouldn't date anyone else after him. I'd become the crazy cat lady. There is no one out there that could stir my insides and make me feel the emotions and feelings I have. He'd be the only person I ever shared everything with. And I'd still be content with that. I'd be lonely in some aspects, but no one could replace his company.

We might not have everything in common, we might fight, we might ignore each other, we might have our differences, but at the end of the day; I love him with everything I am and he loves me with everything he is.

When he asked me to marry him, that became the best day of my life. I've been with him for almost three and a half years, engaged a year. And I don't want anyone else.

I do wish some things would get better for us. I wish we were botha ble to find those perfect jobs and move out and get married and be on our own, move to Wyoming, and start a family. But those things will happen, with time. I need to also work on myself. I've got some of my own problems that need to be fixed before we make things permanent with each other. I'm not saying they're stopping us, him or me. But they could, eventually. And I don't want anything to stand in the way of Jake becoming my husband.

I want him forever. I want to be there for him. I want to take care of him. I want to be all that he needs. I want to love him. I want him. Forever and always.

I cannot wait until we get married. I honestly cannot wait.

fifties housewife.

Is it totally weird to wish I were a fifties housewife?

I totally wish I were.

Obviously it's hard work, but wouldn't it be so great to raise your kids and be in love and keep your house up and cook and clean and do crafts? Maybe they didn't do crafts, but I'd do it.

I'd totally love to be a fifties housewife.

abes.

I counted the pennies in my purse pocket.

Eighteen. At least it's an even number.

I wonder what I could get with eighteen pennies.